Just Me, Myself and... You

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A long, slow pull from my cigarette…
An action once romantic,
Since deemed tragic,
Leaves me peaceful for a moment.
The nod of a fellow smoker,
An underground interaction
An unspoken understanding
A conversation that would otherwise not take place -
This is our space.

Filed under smoking cigarettes short poem

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"Hello?" I call out meekly from underneath my sheets. The lights are off in the house, the sun is beginning to set, and I am in a dark place that has no reflection on the absence of physical light that is descending. The same girl that sings and laughs through half marathons is lying lethargically with nothing but a meek "hello" to offer to the empty house. My mind is firmly split in two pieces - one that reflects hopelessly on past decisions, my position of going it alone in this world, and a steady onslaught of negative self talk, while the other piece looks down, arms firmly folded, insisting that nothing productive will come from the position I find myself currently laying in. I am depressed, clear as day - long past the steady warning signs of weight gain, separation from others, lack of enjoyment in things that I usually take pleasure from. I barreled past every warning sign and find myself picturing leaping off of a bridge into the abyss below. I won’t do it - no need to panic. It is escapism from where I lay. I dream of getting in my car and driving across the country, putting thousands of miles between me and that which surrounds me daily. My journey is a life of consistently being inconsistent and it shows. While I’m rarely alone, I am always alone. Many love me from afar, but few love me up close over extended periods of time. By now, at 33, I have a firm understanding of who I am and how I operate. I know my intentions are good, but my delivery is usually quite off. I am blessed and cursed within the Jekyll and Hyde of my thought process and struggle to make sense of it all, let alone find the courage to share it with others. I am a part of the online community that feels so separate from society… I think I may even be outside of the outsiders, as my writing doesn’t seem to stimulate interaction with others as much as it does a conversation with myself. It’s just me and my thoughts on this journey, me and that side of my thoughts that I need to cling to for a safe way out. It appears it’s time to start writing again.

Filed under depression alone self help perspective

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I want to forget my name
inside the sweet confessional
of your pussy, baby
fuck me, baby
fuck me, please
your hips, pounding
hard, against mine
your lips, biting
down, on my tongue
‘til the blood flows
between us

Smother my ego
with your beautiful tits
the avalanche of your orgasm
entombing my restless mind
beneath a mountain
of your moans and sighs
fuck me, baby
fuck me, please
your mouth, around my cock
your fingers, squeezing
my ass, squeezing
the fight
right out of me
‘til the cum and the love
flows
between us

I want to leave myself
beside your bed
drop my worries
on your floor
slide inside
and lose myself
in you

Max Mundan, Lose Myself in You

© David Rutter 2013

Follow me on twitter @dmr226

(via maxmundan)

This.

(via maxmundan)

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I just wanted to say hello.
So… Hello.
Let’s catch up - what’s new?
How have you been?
Oh, you know…
A little of this, a little of that,
Sorry to hear about your cat.

Cordial words to choke on,
I am drowning in thoughts of what we were,
Wearing a smile betrayed by the lost look in my eyes.
You shattered my heart like broken glass and lay my trust on the pavement in the middle of the highway…
Me, who you said was so good, so deserving of everything good in the world.
Me, who believed you all the way.
Me, who still wonders where you are, what you’re doing, if I ever
Mattered
At all.

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A great sorrow, and one that I am only beginning to understand: we don’t get to choose our own hearts. We can’t make ourselves want what’s good for us or what’s good for other people. We don’t get to choose the people we are.
The Goldfinch

Filed under quote literary quote life advice

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I’ve waited for so long
Thinking somehow
You might rescue me,
Might take some of my pieces
And effortlessly push them together
In some mystical, perfect order that I just can’t figure out.

Stuck in a purgatory
With walls closing in
It’s a self-created state of being
And I can no longer find the light
Or my feistiness, my fight,
Or the way your hand brushed against my cheek
And made me weak.

Your arms once circled me and made me feel so safe
With promises that withered like the roses you would send
We long ago hit the end
And while I’ve tried hard, all I’ve done is mend the broken pieces
When what I need is to forge ahead with something completely new
But, honestly, I’d rather have you.

Filed under poetry love lost love hopelessness writing stuff justalittlebroken

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Closing your eyes isn’t going to change anything. Nothing’s going to disappear just because you can’t see what’s going on. In fact, things will even be worse the next time you open your eyes. That’s the kind of world we live in. Keep your eyes wide open. Only a coward closes his eyes. Closing your eyes and plugging up your ears won’t make time stand still.

Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore (via larmoyante)

But for tonight? For tonight, I’m closing my eyes. Let the hurt and disappointment fade, even for a brief moment, let the time slip by… with the hopes that my joyful spirit will soon return.

Filed under hurt disappointment wishing time away